Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
