Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
