i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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