You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
