And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
