Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize