I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
