I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
