Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
