i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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