Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
