My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
