so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
