Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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