you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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