haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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