You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
