I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
