I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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