id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
