Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Someone shit on the floor
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
