did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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