I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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