Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
