We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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