My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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