Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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