i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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