I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
