enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
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