thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
