They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
