just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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