Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
