At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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