He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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