jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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