my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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