I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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