My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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