This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
