She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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