Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
