Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
