He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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