was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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