once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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