Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
