If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
