I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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