she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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