I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
