I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
