I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
