I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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