you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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