He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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